AmericaxReader - I'm Fine

I'm not sure what it is. Maybe I was just thinking too much or I'm too stressed out. I should probably try to relax. Though, that didn't work out too well either. This feeling that keeps coming back, it won't leave me alone. Everywhere I go, everything I see, I can't help but feel really depressed half the time. I don't know why I keep pushing myself like I do. When I go out with my friends or hang out with my family, I put on a smile. I laugh at how funny this is. I'm so sad and tired that I put on this act where I'm always so happy that it actually makes me even more sad and tired. I hate myself for doing it. No one deserves to be around such a fake, depressing person like myself. I don't even deserve to live this life I have.

I've thought about suicide many times before, but I was too afraid to commit to it. I would be scared of what would happen to me after I died. Instead, I would isolate myself and cry, sometimes multiple times a day if I had the chance. Most people would wonder where I was or what I was doing, but I would always say I was busy or sleeping or some other excuse that I could think of. If there was anything that made me feel my worse, it would be if someone were to discover my depression. I hoped that no one would ever find out.

I walk down the street, making my way back to my apartment after a long day of work. My limbs felt as heavy as lead, but my chest felt empty and endless as a black hole. Climbing the stairwell, I reached my floor and to my distaste, I saw my neighbor. He was happy-go-lucky guy, and if I didn't know any better, he was actually kinda hot. But what are the chances of him reciprocating my feelings.

His name is Alfred F. Jones. He's tall and well built; had blue eyes hiding behind a pair of glasses; blonde hair with a little cowlick sticking up; description description.... He was also very loud, which gave me a headache whenever I was having a bad day, but I tried not to be rude. I would hate myself even more if I made such a nice guy sad.

"Hey, _____! How was work?" He asked. I could feel my brain pounding inside my skull as his voice vibrated down the hallway.

"Fine. Just a little tired." I was a lot tired.

"Well, don't push yourself too hard. How 'bout I treat you to dinner? You know, as my way of saying thanks for helping me clean up my apartment."

Right. Last weekend, Alfred was having trouble cleaning. Honestly, it was horrifying. There were piles of dirty clothes, fast food wrapper, and a bunch of other garbage lying around his apartment and the smell was starting to flow out into the hallway. So, he asked me to help him clean and organize, which I said yes too because I thought getting out of my apartment would do me some good.

"Um.... I don't know. I'm pretty tired and I just want to sleep for the rest of the day."

"Aw com' on, _____! You probably just need something to eat."

"No, I'm fine. I'm not even hungry." Actually, I didn't eat anything since lunch. I was starving. I figured that I would just take some pain-killers or something before I went to sleep.

"You sure? You look a kinda pale." He walked a few steps closer to me, but I just stepped closer to my door, keys ready in my hand.

"I told you, I'm just tired. So if you'll excuse me."

I struggled a bit trying to get the key into the keyhole, which Alfred had noticed. He came up behind me and took the hand that held the key. I tensed up and lean away from him as he steadied my hand and helped me unlock my door. I didn't move and he didn't let go of my hand.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Yeah.... I'm fine." And so, I entered through and quickly shut the door without another word.

I stood there for a moment, thinking over what just happened. Somehow I felt almost sick to my stomach. I made my way to my bedroom, wrapped myself in my blanket; tears streaming down my eyes. I couldn't explain why I was crying, but it felt like it was the only thing I could do at the moment. I felt overwhelmed, and I wanted to scream, but that would have been a bad idea. So I wallowed in my feelings until I fell asleep.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~

Luckily for me, I had a day off. However, I decided that I would stay inside all day. When I woke up, I had the same headache from the previous day and my eyes were slightly puffy. It wasn't exactly the look I wanted to go out with. I changed out of my clothes and into something more comfortable. I went to my kitchen to make something to eat until I heard someone knocking at my door. Correction: someone obnoxiously pounding at my door. Whoever it was probably thought I was still asleep.

"Yes?" I hissed as I threw back the door on its hinges. It was Alfred. And a plate of scrambled eggs?

"Morning, neighbor! I hope you didn't eat yet 'cause I made you breakfast!" Then he just walked into my apartment, obviously without my say so.

"Alfred," I sighed. "You didn't have to do that."

"It's totally fine, ______. I owe you for helping me. Plus I thought you might want some company. You don't have work today, do you?" Once again, I sighed.

"No, but-"

"Great! Let's hang! We don't hang out a lot even though I live right across the hall."

"...."

I was a bit hesitant to answer. I felt tempted to let him stay, but, on the other hand, I wasn't feeling well enough for company. Also, I don't know if I would start crying again. I don't want him to see me like that. Or anyone for that matter. I would feel terrible if they pitied me. I'd just be a waste of their time.

"Well? What do you think?"

"Mmmm, I guess we can." Alfred was about to cheer, but I caught him. "But only if we stay in the apartments. I don't want to go out today."

"Oh, sure! Whatever makes you comfortable." He flashed a toothy smile to express his joy.

I wasn't sure what I got myself into, but I guess it could be worse.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~

Hours passed and Alfred and I just talked. Apparently, he wanted to get to know me better, which made me smile. I've leaned that Alfred was a very silly, yet very kind person. He was interested in superheroes, comic books, sports, and so on. I've also noted that the way he acted and spoke reminded me of a young child. We would laugh from time to time and the best part was that I genuinely felt happy for once. It felt good to have his company.

However, I felt a strange pang in the back of my mind. Something telling me that I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't get so close to Alfred. I assumed that I was afraid. Afraid that if I open up too much and grow attached to him....

"_____? _____, are you there?" Alfred waved a hand in front of my face. I looked at him, confused.

"What?"

"Were you daydreaming? You got really quiet and then you started to look really upset."

"Oh...? S-sorry, I was thinking about something else. It's no big deal." Alfred had a hint of concern in his eye, so I looked away. I didn't like that look.

"Is there something wrong?" Alfred shuffled beside me. We were sitting on my couch and I was trapped between the arm rest and Alfred.

"No. Nothing's wrong. I'm fine."

"You always say you're fine, but you don't look fine. Come on, tell me. Something's bothering you."

Hearing him talk about me like that was making me feel sick again. I felt tears welling up in my eyes, but I bit my tongue to hold them back. Unfortunately, I couldn't talk if I was biting on to my tongue, so I just shook my head, still not making eye contact with him.

He was so close that I could feel him make a disapproving face.

"_____...."

Alfred placed his hand on my shoulder and was gently pulling me closer to him. I made my mistake and turned to face him. Alfred looked sad which was my fault. The tears spilled out of my eyes, a sob ready to escape my lips. He looked even more concerned now that he saw the tears roll down my cheeks, which didn't help my case.

I quickly ran out of his hold and made a dash towards my bedroom. Alfred was following close behind me.

"_____! Wait!" But I slammed the door in his face and locked it. "_____!"

I slide down to the floor and sobbed, hiccuping whenever Alfred would bang on the door. I was a wreck. I was worthless. I could do nothing better than to ruin his day.

"_____, open the door. Don't lock yourself away like this! Please. I want to help you."

Alfred was beginning to quiet down. He didn't bang on the door. He stopped yelling. Soon enough, it was quiet. All I heard were my own sobs and hiccups. I held my hands to my chest and attempted to stop crying. My heart was aching. I took shaky, deep breaths to calm myself down. And eventually, I stopped.

I looked around my room from my spot. It was dark and the only light source came from the cracks of my curtains. Without looking in the mirror, I knew I looked like a mess.

I wiped any tears that I might have missed before I decided to unlock the door. I opened it enough to peek outside. Alfred was still standing there, but not until he steadily pushed open the door and came in. I was about to apologize, but Alfred interrupted me with a tight hug. I certainly didn't expect this.

I want to say that I was blushing, but my face was already flushed from crying. I wanted to cry again, but this time it felt different. I didn't feel so empty that I would drown within myself again. Maybe the emptiness was being filled. Was it because of Alfred's hug? I can't find the words for it, but it was something like that.

"A-Alfred. I'm okay now. I-I just needed to cry a little, that's all." But he didn't answer me back. He didn't even look at me. He just held me tighter as if he would lose me if he'd let go.

"_____.... Are you sure you're okay?" I nodded my head.

"Yeah. I'm fi-"

"Don't give me that. You are not fine. Please.... Stop lying."

I felt the tears threatening to escape again. I understand that he only wanted to make me feel better, but I was feeling overwhelmed again. My chest ached and before I knew it, I started to cry. I felt like I was falling apart and my only support was Alfred. I embraced him as well as I could, sobbing into his shoulder. I could care less about what I looked like or if I was leaving a stain on his shirt. All I could focus on was Alfred's soothing voice, repeatedly telling me to 'let it all out' and 'everything was going to be okay.'

I was grateful that he was here comforting me. It felt even better having someone to hold on to like this. I wish that he would never let go.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~

Soon enough, the tears stopped and I was feeling better. I was tired, however, from my emotional fit, so Alfred and I laid on my bed still holding on to each other.

"Alfred, thanks. I really needed that." He brushed some hair away from my face.

"It's no problem at all. Does this happen a lot?"

"Yeah. I've been... really depressed lately and I didn't really want to tell anyone. I thought everyone was better off not knowing because... I was afraid that they would get worried over me. I don't think I'm worth worrying over."

"Don't say that, _____. I think you're way cool!"

"Really?"

"Duh. I only got to know you for a day and I think you're awesome. You're smart and funny and really pretty when you're smiling. You should do that more often. Just not that 'fake happy' stuff, m'kay?" A smile tugged at my lips as I let out a little chuckle. "Like that!"

"Alright. But you have to help me once in a while. This doesn't go away by itself."

"Sure. This hero will do his best and make you the happiest girl this planet has ever seen!"

"Okay, maybe not on that big of a scale." Alfred laughed.

"Don't doubt me yet." Then he gingerly kissed my forehead. "You must be tired. Rest." I frowned.

"Oh... alright."

"Hey, don't look so sad." He said softly. "I'm not leaving. I'll be right here when you wake up." Alfred pulled me closer to him, if that was possible, and securely wrapped his arms around me. His body was so warm I could melt in it.

"I'd like that." I closed my eyes and drifted off into a peaceful sleep.